I like being single. Love it actually. I do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. Life is good.
But not too long ago, I decided to “settle down.” I would set out to find a nice guy to spend time with, maybe call my boyfriend, and drift off into that cloudy headspace where love and contentment are synonymous with lazy Sundays on the couch and watching the latest episode of The Bachelor together.
I thought relationship bliss couldn’t be that far out reach given the myriad of dating apps available, the number of group activities I’m constantly signing up for, and all of my wonderful friends who could pawn me off to their single, guy friends.
Do you know what it’s like to be that wrong? Dating apps are where catfish swim free and basement dwellers spend their non-Fortnite time; social sports groups are for twentysomethings who aren’t looking for thirtysomething dating partners; and friends who are in long-term committed relationships dispose of all of their single friends immediately after moving in together.
Now, this is not to say I haven’t dated. Oh, I’ve dated.
There was the married guy (or was he?) I met in a class. The former co-worker I finally got my shot with. (I missed.) The other married guy in an open relationship. The bouncer who wouldn’t stop asking if he could send me a Richard pic even after I told him no — five times! And let’s not talk about T-Rex arms — at least not yet.
I’ve also swiped right and had many matches that resulted in nothing but long text conversations and a sinking feeling that lowering standards of any kind are a prerequisite to finding love — or middling like — in 2018.
The stories I could tell! And I will. Here. Because dating is a raging dumpster fire and I need to vent.
Nightmare first dates? Check. Awkward texts (mostly written by me)? Check. Shirtless profile pics? Check. Questions and answers to dating’s most perplexing questions, like what is a sapiosexual? Check.
Names will be changed to protect the innocent, but no match is safe.
If you having a dumpster fire dating story you’d like to share on the site, drop me a note.